2010 - New Year, New Beginning, New Start, New Life

It's 2010, January! A new year! A year where there are new challenges ahead of me and I know that this time I will have someone with me to face the challenges. My DD.

2010, at the strike of 12 o'clock, DD proposed to me, under the Tokyo tower with a lot of people celebrating the new year. The moment was special. I was touched and very surprised. I didn't expected it to come so soon. And without any hesitation, I agreed. The feeling was strong and natural. We spend the rest of our Japan trip, relaxing and happy (although we have some arguement and dispute, but all went well after that).

It's the 3rd week since I am back from my trip and work. The stress is coming back and I am still adjusting to the stress and work back in my Somerset office. I am sure I can do it. Overcome my fears of taking the crowded packed train, being alone around the mall. I will find the courage to overcome these fears. Like what DD always tell me, character building and be fearless.

I am also trying to adjust the fact that I am going to be someone's wife soon. And also planning a wedding can be stressful too. So I understand why my DD keep telling me to take one step at a time. Yah, so I am doing that. Oh well, the first step for me to do is to tell me parents. Somehow, it doesn't seem so easy to tell them. Maybe I am already picturing that they are not so positive about my marriage? or I am just worried that when I tell them about my engagement, it's time for me to leave them? And I am worried that they can't take care of themselves, especially my mum. The thing is I am not leaving them for good, I will still be around in Singapore. And will still be able to visit them anytime I want. Maybe I just think too far. I still have my brother around to take care of them. I am sure all will end well.

Moto for the year: Stay positive, happy, find the courage to face new challenges and take a step at a time, slowly. No hurry.

The long awaiting short break...

Finally, the long awaiting weekend break was here. Both DD and I need this break to relax our mind and put everything aside. Our mini getaway started on Fri (18/9). My DD came pick me up around 10.30am and I brought him to one of my favourite place for lunch - The Amoy Market. The place has lots of good food and is only opened till 1pm for most stalls. We had the "wan tan" noodles which I highly recommended. He loves it a lot. I also gotten my favourite muffins. I always find it so happy when I see my DD enjoying his food. :-)


After that, we went to Vivocity to run some simple errands, bought some beer and drinks before went check-in to the Siloso Beach Resort. We check-in to the resort around 1pm. Being the 1st time to the resort, my DD said that the place was nice. Good that he liked the place. Phew!! We didn't do much at Sentosa because it was raining on Fri and Sat. But we did take the opportunity to take a walk around Sentosa (since my DD haven't been to Sentosa for a long time) on Fri. We also went to the Underwater World, took the Luge ride and when the sun was out, we took a short break at the beach on Sat. The rest of the time, bascially we just eat and sleep, eat and sleep. A pig's life. It's good because it allowed us to relax our mind. Really happy that we were able to have this weekend getaway. Simple but worth it.


We checked out on Sun afternoon and went back to DD's place. Once again, relax at his place and watched a movie that night - The Ugly Truth. Really funny and there were some truth in what the male character said. Today (Mon), we went to DD's good friend ROM lunch. We spend our afternoon with his friends, talking and catching up. Overall, it was a great weekend. I am really glad that my DD is now relax and ready for new challenges again. :-)

Oh, another thing to be happy about is that I managed to have this serious talk with my DD in the car while he sent me home just now. A short but quality conversation about how I feel about things and there are still things I need to adjust about him and his character. I am glad that he understands what I mean and is willingly to work together with me. That is what being in a relationship is about - Working together to accept each other's flaws and continue to nourish the "love" that we have for each other.

There is only so much I can do.....

It's another weekend. Another weekend at home. Waiting for that someone special. The someone special has been busy with work. I have been trying my very best to understand and accommodating. Weekend is something that I always look forward, the only time of the week where quality time can be spent. Now it has become something that I hated. Hated the feeling of not knowing what to do. Hated the feeling of wasting my time. Hated to have the one-sided feeling. There is only so much I can do. The seed of love needs constant showering with nutrients, so that it can bloom beautifully.

Happy Thoughts

Found this from this website called "Happy Thoughts". http://www.happythoughts.com/

The name "HappyThoughts" comes from a synthesis of analogies:

Each of us is born with a little bag of time. . . it has a hole in the bottom and some time is always leaking out. Some of us spend it faster than do others, but when the bag is empty, your life is over. If we add up all of the moments in a life and divide them into good moments and bad moments, the life with the greater number of good moments was the good life.

We really don't have much choice in our lives. We might think we have much choice, but when we really stop and look at it, our choices are influenced by; our families, friends, our jobs, health, financial station as well as a variety of other limitations. Our obligations and responsibilities more often than not govern our choices. We are much like corks at sea, a victim of wind and wave as we travel through our lives. However, we always have one choice, that of attitude. We can think a happy thought, which often leads to another happy thought. . . and a chain of happy thoughts leads to a good day and perhaps a good life. Or we can think a negative thought, leading to another negative thought and more often than not, a negative day.

When we are living close to our "center", appreciation and enjoyment are at their highest level. It is a very comfortable state of mind to be in, and one most of us would prefer to be in given the choice. Sometimes we are "knocked off center" because of the problems and frustrations of daily life. . .and negative moments add up. A thought or word can "trigger" us into a better state of mind.

"Appreciate each moment of the life-time that you get and strive always to think Happy Thoughts."

Emotional Breakdown

It's 2am on a Monday morning. I had another emotional breakdown today. Parents problems. Dad has been returning home late at night and out in the middle of the night these few days. Mum is not happy about it and was angry. She cried in front of me. This is the 2nd time this year I saw her cried and made me really sad.

My parents have been having problems since 20 years ago. I have seen their problems grew bigger over the 20 years. Initially, being a young child, I was ignorant. Then when I get older, my mum complains to me every time when she is unhappy. I felt her pain, her sadness and her helplessness in this marriage. When I started working, I begin to desire for a happy family. Yet, I can't see it in mine. I begin to doubt if I ever will have a happy family. I begin to look at the problems in my family and took it upon myself. Whenever mum complains to me, I take it seriously and felt her helplessness. This adds stress on me and is also part of the reason why I had depression and emotional breakdown last year.

Today, when I saw my mum cried again, this was the last straw. I called up my Dad on his mobile phone and got both of them to talk to each other in front of me. My mum was angry, accusing him of making her unhappy all 20 yrs. My dad as usual, kept quiet and refuse to answer my mum (which makes her angrier). Finally, I cannot take it and broke down. Told them about my depression and told them how I felt these 20 yrs and how their marriage is affecting my vision of a marriage in the future and contribute to my depression.

The strong emotion come over me and I just cried in front of them. Told them that they may just drive me into mental breakdown and into IMH. They finally gave in. My dad apologised and my mum said she will forget the past. But I know that this is only a small step for them to give me. I am worried that my mum will stop telling me her feelings cause I told them that my breakdown is partly due to them. I don't want her to stop telling me things. In fact, I want to know what the both of them is thinking so that I can help them. I hope after today, my dad can listen to me more and my mum can give in to my Dad more.

Positive thing. I know my Dad dotes me a lot and he will listen to me more from now on. My mum starts to open up to me even more and I hope I can help her to remove her negative attitude towards my Dad. My mum told me about her illness and I am worried for her. Positive thing, I will try to source for another experience doc for her so that she won't need to go the Polyclinics where the doc. are young and inexperience.

It's a small step but at least I am trying my best. Even though my parents said I should not worried about their problems. The fact is that they are my parents no matter what and I have the responsibility to take care of them and their problems as much as I can. Don't forget as long as I have my DD to support me, I am sure I can overcome this no matter what. I can do this!! I am sure about that!!

Month of August The month of High and Low

It's almost a month. It has been a weird month for me. My mood has been going downwards. I am easy stressed up by the smallest things and my mood is affected easily. Mostly depressed mood. I have promised myself that this blog will record all the happy things in my life and I shall do that as far as I can.

The month of Aug. The happiest thing as far as I have done for this month is that I have celebrated my best friend, Weiliang's birthday. It was a simple dinner at the River View hotel with just the few of us (Mikey, Alvin, Jamie and me). It is always good to see them again and to be able to laugh together and crack the mindless jokes. Enjoyable. Funny. Relaxing. As usual, we will go for pool after that. The next day, we met up again and went for massage and fish spa. It was my first time getting a massage. I was nevous at first. I am glad I went for it because I like it eventually. Fish spa was really fun. The guys find it ticklish but I find it quite comfortable.

For the rest of the week in Aug, my mood went down drastically. One reason was probably DD was stressed up with his work and I don't want to give him additional stress. But it was hard for me cause by doing that, I felt that I have not been able to communicate to him properly as I have been giving in and listening to him all the time (one way communication). Gradually, I will tend to feel left out and not being able to get someone to understand. To make things even worst, on weekdays, I can't find anyone at work to talk to and back at home I have been listening to my mum's complaints and parent's problems. Feels like I can't convey any of my thoughts and feelings to anyone or to anything. All the negetive feelings gets bloated up inside me. Feels lonely, no one understands.

Lucky for me, I have my friends. Liwen, a gal who has been always able to provide a listening ear and my msn buddy, Friday to provide a listening "eyes" to read my complaints. And of course, my DD understands me when we spoke yesterday. I am happy and glad that for the past weeks, he has been accompanying me to the doc. despite his busy work. And he has also agreed to spend the long weekend in Sept with me at Bintan (something to look forward to).

I realised also that I need to find my passion and motivation again!!! Something for me to work towards to. Something that I feel strongly for and have to do it no matter what. I must take on this path to find my passion again, my confidence again. Else I will eventually let the "dark" emotions run over me.

Life still goes on no matter how low or how high I am. The sun still shines, the rain still falls. Today's sky is blue, with clouds like cotton and a occassional breeze. I am listening to my Jazz music now. Feeling more relax. A good way to enjoy my Saturday afternoon.

It's been a long time. Time really flies. It's end of July and August is arriving soon. More than half a year has gone. These past 8 months. I have learnt a lot about myself, learnt about acceptance, learnt about being truthful to myself and everyone else. Importantly, learnt to always appreciate small things in life.

It's has been a wonderful 8 months. Most importantly, everything that has happened in these 8 months, there is someone to share my experience with. I am lucky and really fortunate that my DD is always supporting me no matter what happen. He is not that perfect but it's the small things in life that he is doing for me that makes a difference. I don't need expensive branded bags or jewellery, or to have expensive meals at expensive hotels everyday. I came to realise that for the past 8 months, I have been spending time with DD every weekend, doing simple things like, watching a movie, going for a swim, going for lunch/dinner at hawker center, going for exhibition, going to parks, watching online movies at his place. Simple things like this and surprisingly I am not bored and I am still look forward to my weekend to spend with him. Whenever when I am with him, I feel relax, happy and safe. I am really blessed to have found a great person like him.

Oh! Something else to add. I had a great Melbourne trip with him. I am looking forward to Japan trip end of the year! Yippee!!!

Note: I am currently in the office, getting bored cause I have nothing to do now and decided to put some of my thoughts here. :-)