Happy Thoughts

Found this from this website called "Happy Thoughts". http://www.happythoughts.com/

The name "HappyThoughts" comes from a synthesis of analogies:

Each of us is born with a little bag of time. . . it has a hole in the bottom and some time is always leaking out. Some of us spend it faster than do others, but when the bag is empty, your life is over. If we add up all of the moments in a life and divide them into good moments and bad moments, the life with the greater number of good moments was the good life.

We really don't have much choice in our lives. We might think we have much choice, but when we really stop and look at it, our choices are influenced by; our families, friends, our jobs, health, financial station as well as a variety of other limitations. Our obligations and responsibilities more often than not govern our choices. We are much like corks at sea, a victim of wind and wave as we travel through our lives. However, we always have one choice, that of attitude. We can think a happy thought, which often leads to another happy thought. . . and a chain of happy thoughts leads to a good day and perhaps a good life. Or we can think a negative thought, leading to another negative thought and more often than not, a negative day.

When we are living close to our "center", appreciation and enjoyment are at their highest level. It is a very comfortable state of mind to be in, and one most of us would prefer to be in given the choice. Sometimes we are "knocked off center" because of the problems and frustrations of daily life. . .and negative moments add up. A thought or word can "trigger" us into a better state of mind.

"Appreciate each moment of the life-time that you get and strive always to think Happy Thoughts."

Emotional Breakdown

It's 2am on a Monday morning. I had another emotional breakdown today. Parents problems. Dad has been returning home late at night and out in the middle of the night these few days. Mum is not happy about it and was angry. She cried in front of me. This is the 2nd time this year I saw her cried and made me really sad.

My parents have been having problems since 20 years ago. I have seen their problems grew bigger over the 20 years. Initially, being a young child, I was ignorant. Then when I get older, my mum complains to me every time when she is unhappy. I felt her pain, her sadness and her helplessness in this marriage. When I started working, I begin to desire for a happy family. Yet, I can't see it in mine. I begin to doubt if I ever will have a happy family. I begin to look at the problems in my family and took it upon myself. Whenever mum complains to me, I take it seriously and felt her helplessness. This adds stress on me and is also part of the reason why I had depression and emotional breakdown last year.

Today, when I saw my mum cried again, this was the last straw. I called up my Dad on his mobile phone and got both of them to talk to each other in front of me. My mum was angry, accusing him of making her unhappy all 20 yrs. My dad as usual, kept quiet and refuse to answer my mum (which makes her angrier). Finally, I cannot take it and broke down. Told them about my depression and told them how I felt these 20 yrs and how their marriage is affecting my vision of a marriage in the future and contribute to my depression.

The strong emotion come over me and I just cried in front of them. Told them that they may just drive me into mental breakdown and into IMH. They finally gave in. My dad apologised and my mum said she will forget the past. But I know that this is only a small step for them to give me. I am worried that my mum will stop telling me her feelings cause I told them that my breakdown is partly due to them. I don't want her to stop telling me things. In fact, I want to know what the both of them is thinking so that I can help them. I hope after today, my dad can listen to me more and my mum can give in to my Dad more.

Positive thing. I know my Dad dotes me a lot and he will listen to me more from now on. My mum starts to open up to me even more and I hope I can help her to remove her negative attitude towards my Dad. My mum told me about her illness and I am worried for her. Positive thing, I will try to source for another experience doc for her so that she won't need to go the Polyclinics where the doc. are young and inexperience.

It's a small step but at least I am trying my best. Even though my parents said I should not worried about their problems. The fact is that they are my parents no matter what and I have the responsibility to take care of them and their problems as much as I can. Don't forget as long as I have my DD to support me, I am sure I can overcome this no matter what. I can do this!! I am sure about that!!

Month of August The month of High and Low

It's almost a month. It has been a weird month for me. My mood has been going downwards. I am easy stressed up by the smallest things and my mood is affected easily. Mostly depressed mood. I have promised myself that this blog will record all the happy things in my life and I shall do that as far as I can.

The month of Aug. The happiest thing as far as I have done for this month is that I have celebrated my best friend, Weiliang's birthday. It was a simple dinner at the River View hotel with just the few of us (Mikey, Alvin, Jamie and me). It is always good to see them again and to be able to laugh together and crack the mindless jokes. Enjoyable. Funny. Relaxing. As usual, we will go for pool after that. The next day, we met up again and went for massage and fish spa. It was my first time getting a massage. I was nevous at first. I am glad I went for it because I like it eventually. Fish spa was really fun. The guys find it ticklish but I find it quite comfortable.

For the rest of the week in Aug, my mood went down drastically. One reason was probably DD was stressed up with his work and I don't want to give him additional stress. But it was hard for me cause by doing that, I felt that I have not been able to communicate to him properly as I have been giving in and listening to him all the time (one way communication). Gradually, I will tend to feel left out and not being able to get someone to understand. To make things even worst, on weekdays, I can't find anyone at work to talk to and back at home I have been listening to my mum's complaints and parent's problems. Feels like I can't convey any of my thoughts and feelings to anyone or to anything. All the negetive feelings gets bloated up inside me. Feels lonely, no one understands.

Lucky for me, I have my friends. Liwen, a gal who has been always able to provide a listening ear and my msn buddy, Friday to provide a listening "eyes" to read my complaints. And of course, my DD understands me when we spoke yesterday. I am happy and glad that for the past weeks, he has been accompanying me to the doc. despite his busy work. And he has also agreed to spend the long weekend in Sept with me at Bintan (something to look forward to).

I realised also that I need to find my passion and motivation again!!! Something for me to work towards to. Something that I feel strongly for and have to do it no matter what. I must take on this path to find my passion again, my confidence again. Else I will eventually let the "dark" emotions run over me.

Life still goes on no matter how low or how high I am. The sun still shines, the rain still falls. Today's sky is blue, with clouds like cotton and a occassional breeze. I am listening to my Jazz music now. Feeling more relax. A good way to enjoy my Saturday afternoon.